17-year-old son refuses to defend step mother after she tries to prevent him and his sister from seeing their birth mom on Halloween and Christmas: ‘We were staying with our family’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Oct 28, 2024 5:00 PM EDT

Spending time with family during the holiday season is really important, especially for kids who have divorced parents. Though step-parents have the potential to be great parental figures for children, it all depends on how they show respect for the kids. If a step-parent tries to force the child's hand, demand respect but not give it back, and attempt to replace their biological parent, things might get ugly. 

Age doesn't matter when it comes to respect. The stepmother in this story dishes it out, but can't take it when her 17-year-old stepson refuses to listen to her rules regarding him and his sister visiting their birth mom for the holidays. The children's grandparents started berating their stepmom when she kept insisting that it was up to her whether the children got to see their birth mother and the son specifically was not having it. This results in a heated family feud, where the son stands his ground and demands respect despite his age.

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    Cheezburger Image 10420497664
    via Unsplash+ (Kateryna Hliznitsova)
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    AITA for not defending my stepmother when my dad's family insulted her?
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    My grandparents hosted a family dinner on Sunday and for a while my dad left because "something came up" at work for him. My sister (16f) and I (17m) were sitting with our cousins when our stepmother corrected us
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    when we said we had big plans for Halloween and Christmas this year, because we were going to be with our maternal side of the family. She told us those plans still need to be approved by her because dad said yes without
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    running it by her. This is when my dad's family stepped in and told her she doesn't have the right to stop us from spending time with our maternal family. My stepmother said as our mom she does, and since our maternal family
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    never speaks to her or tries to befriend her she has the right to say they're not good for us. Then our grandparents told her she's not our mom and the more she pretends to be, the less respect she has from anyone. Then it
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    became a situation where our grandparents and our aunts and uncles piled on her and reminded her that she didn't give birth to us, we didn't call her mom, they accused her of preying on a grieving man who was 11 months out
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    from losing his wife when she swooped in and claimed us as hers and they rubbed it in her face that neither my sister or I actually value her or love her or want her in our lives. It became a huge fight between them and
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    my stepmother stormed out. She tried to make my sister and me leave with her. But we refused to go with her and we said we were staying with our family. Dad was p ed as when he came to pick us
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    up and he asked me if I stepped in to defend my stepmother a woman in our family and I said no. He asked me why the not and I told him I didn't want to defend her and didn't disagree with everything being said. My
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    stepmother asked why I hadn't spoken up for her and I told her because everything they said is true and I would never defend her from anything. Dad was threatening to not give us the extra time with mom's family at
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    Christmas and my sister kinda talked him around on that because she cried to him which made him give in. But I got lectured two days this week already about 10 years of being a
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    stepmother deserving more respect and value and being worthy of defending. My dad told me I'm a few months away from being a man and I need to act more like one and that means defending the women in our lives, but
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    especially the ones we love. I told him I always defend the people I love when I need to. This made my stepmother cry. It made my dad walk out of the room to calm down because his wife was crying. Dad told me I'm a
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    bad example to my sister and the only reason she doesn't adore our stepmother is because she has followed my lead and I should think about my influence and the fact I'm risking a relationship with my stepmother in the future.
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    I should add I have said similar things to her before and to my dad. But they don't really listen. AITA?
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    RemoteBroccoli 3h ago • NTA. Tell your dad that: "The more you'd push the narrative that she's a mother figure, the more we'll reject her. No nicknames, no specific moments, no nothing. That goes for you as well. We will respect her when she understand that
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    respect is earned, not given. We get that she's loved by you, we merely tolerate her. She's not our mother, and she'll never be, and if that's a problem for you, so be it. ||
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    Bfan72 3h ago • NTA. It's bad when family is standing up for the other side of a child's family. Apparently they don't like her either. You just need to ride this out until your sister is 18 and can leave too. Otherwise they will keep her away from you if you move out when you turn 18. It s have to put up with the ks to delusional adults in your life
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    . S.. 3h ago Edited 3h ago. • Your stepmother crossed the line when she decided to (1) overrule your father behind his back (2) call herself your mom when you've not agreed to call her that. The family clearly has been seething about her stepping into the family the way she did, and it came out in that argument. Your father lecturing you on "letting"
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    your whole family defend you and your sister, then having their say, is out of line. What did he expect that you would say? Now calm down everyone. She has the right to erase our mom and ban us from seeing family? N'ah. She overstepped and was told. NTA
    via StellaByStarlight42
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    FitzDesign 3h ago • He can't force you to love her and forcing just makes it worse. She can't force you to love her by demanding to be looked at as your mom. They need to understand that they took the wrong approach with you and your sister. They tried to replace. your mom and that was stupid.
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    NTA, you had a mom and you loved her and she is the only and only mom for you and your sister
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    • diminishingpati... 4h ago NTA. You're not responsible for other people's fantasies.
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